Paddling down the lake
I stop
Close my eyes
Drift
And find serenity
Paddling down the lake
I stop
Close my eyes
Drift
And find serenity
I don’t have a waterproof camera
and my phone was wrapped in plastic, safe in a drybag,
for emergencies only.
And so I had no photos to share
to say I was there,
to try to convey the meaning of a moment.
But how often does a photograph really do that?
After all, there are other senses than sight.
–
So.
Bank holiday monday,
Coniston Water
the end of a scorching weekend.
Paddling south (first time in my canoe this year)
away from the crowds,
my arms remember how good it feels,
burn of working muscle
taking me further from the voices and barbecue smoke.
–
Past open water swimmers towing orange floats
who stop for a chat in the middle of the lake
unfazed by the deeps,
complaining of the cold water.
Past moored boats, and pine tree promentaries,
shingle beaches overhung with oaks,
until, at the south end of the lake
as yellow reeds narrow to reveal the start of a river,
I turn around to head back north and see
spread before me the calm lake
bordered by woods in the first flush of spring green,
low bracken-covered hills glowing
in the early evening sunshine,
the Coniston fells beyond, blue and slightly misty.
–
That is the moment I would have pressed the shutter.
But could that photograph record
the pleasant ache of shoulders and arms,
the gentle forward motion of the canoe,
the sound of water lapping,
a mind quietened to contentment?
–
One moment, containing
a sense of returning, of welcome,
a glimpse of childhood,
a farewell to winter,
and the seed of all the summers to come.
Gripped by anxiety,
a looming hospital appointment,
I failed to notice the world outside
where the blackbird continued to sit on her nest in the rain,
and despite my unawareness
the symphony of spring carried on.
–
Then suddenly, I realized.
Anxiety again.
Welcome.
I don’t have to fight you any more
I just have to relax.
We are not separate,
you are not something to be held at bay
by techniques and force of mind.
You are a response to a situation,
my response.
–
Forgive me.
You have always been the frightened child
I pushed away.
Now you are welcome to rest here
until we both feel safe again.
–
A queen bee stopped on a flower, unnoticed,
unmoved by my revelation
as I wiped away a tear,
but I will remember.